"Daddy - I don't like you"

I had my heart broken today.
I also cried in front of my children - I won't say I try to avoid this, I suppose being a man I feel like I shouldn't as it does show a weakness.  As a parent I am actually ok with it as it does show my children that I am human.

Summer has been long.  So very long!  Now for the most part I have been able to keep Louise and Olivia busy with camps but 13 weeks is 13 weeks!  This week has probably been worse than most as they have been home with me.  I have also been a bit angsty this week about other things so that hasn't helped.  I will be honest and admit that I woke up in a very foul mood today and I really couldn't shake it.  No idea as to what caused it and unfortunately being human as much as you don't try to do it - it does affect your interactions with your kids, so I really wasn't the most fun I have been with the girls.  Also Louise really is at that stage where she's pushing, constantly pushing.  I do tend to react rather than think and then react which she also feeds off.  So with a small amount of craziness from being home with me and the end of summer so on... Louise and I have butted heads a fair bit lately.  She has developed this tendency of starting to look away and ignoring me when I'm talking (or lecturing if you want to be honest) to her - which upsets greatly.  She did it to me this morning when they had one of their friends here - I was talking to her about something and she turned away and started putting her helmet on because they were going to scooter.

Well!

So yes... talk became a lecture and off she went inside.  She did a couple of other things to push buttons - she decided it would be fun to take everything off her bed so I helped her.  Then came the crunch I asked why she did the things she did.  Why does she not listen to me?  Doesn't she realize that it upsets me and it makes me feel like she doesn't respect me or even like me... Now I did put the words out there so it is partly my fault.  She told me she didn't like me.  It was literally a physical blow.  I had to walk away from her and I walked into her room and cried.  Olivia came in to comfort me and then Louise slipped the note under the door.  Olivia grabbed it and asked Louise what it was about.  "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE DADDY!"

I took a time out.
I told them both that I just needed to get away and just breathe.

This parenting thing at times is hard.
I know Louise loves me and she was just reacting to the fact that she was upset and I am what ultimately is creating some of the upset.  I just have to try to not take it personally.  It can hurt though.

"Daddy I'm really sorry"

These are words I was not expecting to hear for a very long time...
I wasn't.
So you could have knocked me over when Louise said them to me this afternoon.  And the look on her face was just so adorable.

The backstory...
Halloween approaches.
It does!
Last year when we were visiting the states - we unfortunately missed Halloween but we did get a little bit caught up in the hype (it's hard not too really!).  The girls were a little bit sad that they got to miss trick or treating and the rest of the fun that seems to come with Halloween (ok... ok... it's not just the girls... it may also be me).  So Halloween is coming around again (as it seems to every year) and we're all getting a little bit excited (Larry maybe not as much as the rest of us).  I went off to the grocery store after the gym to get some stuff for dinner - I missed a night when I did my shopping on Monday.  I went to the grocery store near the gym rather than home and they had *gasp* candy corn for sale.  So I got some.

Now I thought it would be nice if I got the candy corn and put it in a nice container on the table.  I didn't tell Louise and Olivia that I had bought the candy corn because I didn't think of it - I figured also they'd see it soon enough.

Louise did.
SHE WAS SO EXCITED!
She grabbed the jar and raced into the living room to show Olivia.  Now again my parental ESP should have kicked in.  Anyway the next thing you know *crash* glass and candy corn all over the family room floor.  Cue freak out about broken glass and a puppy trying to eat candy corn.  Now this is where Louise surprised me - she said "daddy I'm really sorry" and bless her heart she looked absolutely crestfallen.  At the end of the day it was just some candy corn and a broken jar - although the funny thing is both her and Olivia were upset at the idea of no candy corn until the next time I went grocery shopping... again maybe it's parental ESP... nah... it was 3 bags for $5 and the third bag wouldn't fit in the jar.  So I had an extra bag and they got to have a piece of candy corn.  When I was putting Louise to bed she apologized again.  It really was very sweet.

Although the loss of the jar was a bit of a downer - it was one of the very remaining remnants of my life as a single person (mind you I haven't been single for a very long time but I suppose we get sentimental about silly things).

The "hitting" incident

It’s rare that I have to come down really hard on the girls.  It is.  I know I come across as the cranky, mean parent.  I kind of am cranky.  I’m not a completely freaking ray of sunshine most of the time.  I do get frustrated easily… anyway… Over the course of the past 6 years we haven’t had many “big” trouble incidents.  Last night was one of them.

Larry’s in Chicago for the day with work and he expected to come back late which is fine.  Funny though how most things like this tend to happen when Larry’s not around.  Maybe it’s some form of parenting kismet.  The afternoon had cruised along pretty easily, the girls were tired from camp so they were just chilling on the couch after dinner.  Olivia and I had our usual run-in over food.  I know common parenting logic says that you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it because you will create eating disorders later in life.  My logic says that my child not eating is indicative of something deeper.  So I push, and I push, and I push.  Olivia feels that’s she not getting enough attention and that one way to retaliate is to by ignoring something I put a lot of effort into.  She’s a smart cookie.

So we’re all on the couch on iDevices.  I realize it’s almost 8pm - give them the quick heads-up that they need a bath.  So I go start the bath.  Olivia comes up and joins me - which is cool.  Then Louise follows.  Now the girls don’t generally bathe at the same time.  It seems to be coming a bit more common so I’m not really sure what’s going on there.  Again I am not really rock the boat though - saves me time sitting on the bathroom floor keeping them company.  They also both decided to wash their hair.  Now the funny thing here is that Olivia particularly doesn’t like washing her hair… I normally have to force that issue.  Recently nope - she’s washing her hair every couple of days.  So Louise and Olivia are in the bath.  Now it’s a normal sized bathtub and I should have foreseen something was going to happen.  Parental ESP and all that.

So something did happen.  The bathtub is getting to be a bit too small for two kids to lay side by side.  So the next thing is the argy-bargy, the she touched me, no she touched me, she got water in my face and whammo - Olivia hit Louise.  So Olivia gets hoisted out of the bath given a towel and marching orders to brush her teeth, hair and get straight into bed.  Now for the first time in her life she complained that she hadn’t washed herself… seriously! 

So Olivia has her pajamas on and has brushed her hair and teeth, is in bed and she cops the lecture.  Now we have a couple of golden rules in this house - one is no hitting.  So it’s not a small lecture, it’s not the I’m upset that you hit you sister.  It’s the I’m disappointed in you.  Now I get to a 5 (nearly 6 year old) the gravity of things isn’t quite apparent.  We got there eventually.  The clanger though was when I did the channelling my own parents - the “I thought I was raising you better than this.”

Now ordinarily this probably wouldn’t be so much of a problem.  However the girls share a bathroom that separates their bedrooms so Louise overheard me saying “I thought I was raising you better than this” and she took that to mean that I was raising Olivia better than her.  Cue favoritism drama - so I have one child upset because she’s gotten the lecture and didn’t get a kiss and a hug good night (I’ll come back to this) and the other one is upset because she thinks I favor her sister.

So I have to put that little fire out.  One of the things I really love about the English language is the diversity and breadth of expressions.  There are just so many cute and interesting sayings.  One of the things I dislike about the English language is that you have to try to explain to children who don’t quite have the same understanding of the language you do what these expressions and sayings mean.  So I spent the time explaining to Louise that I was disappointed in Olivia and I thought I was doing my best to raise kids that don’t hit.  So that was sorted out.  

Meanwhile Olivia is having a meltdown in her room because she didn’t get the hug or the kiss.  That was hard for me.  When I was having the talk to Olivia about what punishment she felt was suitable - none really felt that they would lend themselves to the gravity of the offense.  Taking her iPad away for a day is pointless because she still has the TV… so I thought if I just tucked her in and said good night and walked out that would do it.  Now I am not a complete monster - there is one thing that I have always tried do to with Louise and Olivia and that is leave with them a smile or a laugh when they go to bed.  So I went back in and had a quick chat to Olivia and told her that I forgave her and explained that I get angry too, I react to things without thinking them through - it’s human nature, I don’t hit people though.  I tend to say TV words - the really bad ones!  That gave her a bit of a laugh.   I gave her a kiss and a hug, told her I loved her and said good night.

There’s lots of things about parenting that I find hard.  I’ve spoken to people before about the fact that I try to be the perfect parent (which I know isn’t possible).  With situations like this I worry if I have done the right thing.  It was all a bit stressful for me… now in the past I’d unwind with a few drinks (probably a few too many) - these days I unwind by folding laundry and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  The ultimate outcomes are that my kids know that I love them, the boundaries were enforced and my sanity prevailed.

Louise & Ramune

I have a thing for Japan.  I can tell you the cause for that actually - I fell in love with Robotech when I was a kid and that sparked my interest in Japan.  How you cross over from americanized anime to a general love of Japan I'm not quite sure of but hey - it is what it is!

Louise seems to be developing a similar interest - although I don't know if it's about Japan as such yet.  Obviously being young their interests will be molded by mine and Larry's.  They are interested in comics, cartoons and superheroes which is entirely via me.  Louise and Japan at the moment is purely food based.  When they were younger (about 2 maybe) we went grocery shopping one day and there was a sushi place near the supermarket and I got a couple of handrolls for lunch and Louise wanted to try one - so I gave her some.  There started her love affair with sushi (some would say obsession!).   For my birthday last year - Larry took me and the girls to Ichi Ni in St Kilda which is my favorite Japanese Restaurant (I haven't found one in the DC Metro area yet so I am open to suggestions) - Louise also really loves lemonade.  Our waiter suggested that Louise try Ramune - obsession #2 gets created.  She loves Ramune.

Fast forward a little bit.  We're now in Arlington.  I went grocery shopping one day and I was really surprised to find out that they had Ramune!  It really wasn't something I was expecting to just find at a grocery store.  And of course I just had to get some for Louise.  I have since found out that the Asian grocery store (which is massive) near home has an extensive selection of Ramunes so Louise is really happy with that idea!

Although I will make one observation.  Sushi and handrolls seem to be much more common in Australia than what they do here in the US.  Mind you I am not in downtown areas very much so it could be different there.  I don't really know.

The whole reason for this blog post is that I wanted to explain one of my 365 photos - so this is the explanation.

Not every little boy wants to be Superman when he grows up...

Like a lot of people I have seen this particular image doing the rounds.  I googled what it was about as I was curious and I was actually trying to find the image so I could use it for my own purposes...  It's from Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon Coloring Book by Jacinta Bunnell and Nathaniel Kusinitz.  So all credit for the image goes to them.

So anyway...
I really liked it and it does resonate with me.  I've always liked Wonder Woman.  That's not to say I wanted to be Wonder Woman.  As a little boy though - I did pretend to be Wonder Woman.  I adored the show (yes I am that old!) and I would do the Wonder Woman spin in my bedroom etc...  She had a bit of a lasting impact really!

I also love that Louise loves Wonder Woman - I get to kind of live vicariously through her.  Although I do have to admit that is my doing - she did see me reading Wonder Woman comics.  Although it was actually Larry that introduced her to the Lynda Carter series - which was before I started reading the New 52 Wonder Woman.

Larry took me to Manhattan in 2007 and he had some work meetings so I got to wander around by myself and I ventured over to Midtown Comics.  I had decided that I wanted to buy a comic from Midtown Comics.  I bought a Wonder Woman trade paperback.  Much to regret it was the Jodi Piccoult arc... I should have grabbed a different one ;)

Anyway just an odd little update from me.

The Nanny Period...

a note to my readers - sorry I have left this blog and our surrogacy story alone for so long.  I really have been a bit slack - I do need to sit down and write this more regularly... so hopefully my slackness will abate for a bit!

Title sounds awful doesn't? ;)

Now I personally had reached a meltdown.  I literally tore myself apart over this.  I had a breakdown - I rang Larry at work and asked him to come home because I couldn't cope.  So we started discussing options, childcare or a nanny.  Now I wasn't ready to go back to work and your Dad has been really gracious about me not working - I will give him full credit for that.  So we ended discussing what would end up working best.  I just needed the ability to get out and do the errands without you two.  So we figured that two days would be best (and it was probably also what we could afford).

So we interviewed a couple of people and I found someone I really quite liked - I just took a while to finally getting around to calling her to tell her that we wanted to hire her.  She was very gracious about it actually - she told me that she understood.  For me it was separating feeling like a failure and actually getting someone to help.  Thankfully Megan was still available to work two days a week for us.  And so there started us having a nanny.

There is probably a lot of people that associate nannies with the wealthy.  I know there are increasing numbers of people who are getting nannies because they can't get places in childcare or it is actually cheaper for them to hire a nanny then have full-time childcare (sorry a bit of a segue).  I did get the reaction a few times that we must be rich to be able to afford a nanny...

So anyway Megan entered our lives.  It took me about a week and a half to able to leave the house for more than an hour... I wasn't really that overprotective!

In a lot of ways Megan was a godsend.  She taught me so much about being a parent and gave me lots of tips and tricks and did also show me where I was doing a few things wrong.  Well not so much wrong but how I could be doing things better...

Probably the main example is that I never set a strict nap routine - I would just let drop where you were when you needed a nap.  Apparently not a good idea as your naps end up being short and I end up being frazzled as part of it.  One of the really important things that Megan taught me was more about myself - I can't be the perfect parent.  I can only be the parent I am.  Noone can be the perfect parent (they don't exist).  All I have to ever do is look at how happy and healthy you are and know that I am doing a good job - or at least the best job I can.

This is also one of my favorite stories involving Megan.  So bathtimes for us were hell.  Sheer absolute hell - noone enjoyed them.  Megan had her doubts that they were that bad... so she decided to give you guys a bath.  I was outside washing your Dad's Vespa as he was selling it.  It honestly sounded like someone was being murdered in the house.  She was shocked!  So anyway she came up with a strategy to help you guys deal with water - we went to the pool - no more horror baths.

Megan has become a very good friend.  She was with us for about 8 months and we had a few comedies.  The horrible Santa photo at Highpoint which I will point out was entirely her idea! HER IDEA!!!! It was shocking but really quite funny.  The photographer was a pain and the Santa was as cranky as all get out and go... and of course two little one year olds didn't want to sit still.

After we stop using Megan as a Nanny she would still babysit and just come around and visit.  She's an amazing friend.

After this started the Montessori and Childcare adventures.  I will get to those in due course.

Sinterklaas vs Santa Claus - cross-culturalism in our household

So Christmas is becoming a topic of discussion in this house.  Quite understandably as there is two five year olds here SO of course they are getting excited... but this is also where it gets kind of interesting.  My heritage is Dutch (and I was born there) so for me it's also about Sint.

Now when we moved here in the early 1980s we had to pretty much assimilate into Australian culture.  Mind you we did also move into an area where there weren't that many Dutch people around.  So suddenly Sint became Christmas (we did have Christmas or Kerstmas in Holland but Sint is the big one) and Santa started bringing us our presents.  Now my brother and I are pretty cluey - I was 8 and he was 10 when we moved here so we kind of figured that Santa wasn't the real deal.  Mum and Dad did try to convince that we now lived too far away for Sinterklaas to deliver our presents and that Santa would deliver them instead.

Let me pause for a second...

Now logically...
Sinterklaas lives somewhere in most likely the Netherlands Antilles and Santa Claus lives in the North Pole.  It's much of a muchness as to who can deliver presents to a couple of Dutch kids in Brisbane, Australia.

So we basically did figure that Santa wasn't real.  We humoured Mum and Dad though until Dad gave up the pretence of Santa (which was pretty much the Christmas after Mum left).  I know it's silly but there is still a little part of me that does believe in Sinterklaas.  As a rational adult I know he's not real but the kid in me still believes in him.

Now for the background for the Sinterklaas vs Santa Claus discussion in this house.  Facebook is wonderful.  So it has allowed me to actually reconnect with some of my cousins in Holland (because we're from the south of the Netherlands we actually refer to is as Holland - because well we're from Holland).  Last year De Ruijter released a coffee chocolate hail and I asked one of my cousins if she would mind sending me some.  My cousin did as well as... (she blew me away to be honest!) a whole bunch of Sint goodies.  One of the things she sent which has been very much appreciated in this house is a Sinterklaas picture book - Louise and Olivia have already been asking me to read it to them.  Which has given me the opportunity to discuss my childhood and Sinterklaas with them.  We're raising cross-cultural kids!  It's funny I had both of them ask me when we were going to get some more Strooigoed (small biscuits with marshmallows).

So because I have been going back over the Sinterklaas thing with them - the topic of Santa Claus came up.  As in why does Sinterklaas only deliver presents to Europe?  Why can't he deliver them here?  Why does Santa have to deliver presents to the rest of the world?  Now these are obviously questions that I don't have answers too but it is kind of fun exploring their wonder behind it all.

I had to stop yesterday though when Louise told me that she didn't believe in Santa.  I was like YIKES! I am not ready for this!!! But I didn't have to worry - she believes in Sinterklaas.  I actually suspect it's an underhanded way to trying to get two lots of presents.  She was amazed when she found that my birthday is the same day as Sint.  YOU GOT TWO LOTS OF PRESENTS!?!?!  So that may actually have something to do with it.