The "hitting" incident

It’s rare that I have to come down really hard on the girls.  It is.  I know I come across as the cranky, mean parent.  I kind of am cranky.  I’m not a completely freaking ray of sunshine most of the time.  I do get frustrated easily… anyway… Over the course of the past 6 years we haven’t had many “big” trouble incidents.  Last night was one of them.

Larry’s in Chicago for the day with work and he expected to come back late which is fine.  Funny though how most things like this tend to happen when Larry’s not around.  Maybe it’s some form of parenting kismet.  The afternoon had cruised along pretty easily, the girls were tired from camp so they were just chilling on the couch after dinner.  Olivia and I had our usual run-in over food.  I know common parenting logic says that you shouldn’t make a big deal out of it because you will create eating disorders later in life.  My logic says that my child not eating is indicative of something deeper.  So I push, and I push, and I push.  Olivia feels that’s she not getting enough attention and that one way to retaliate is to by ignoring something I put a lot of effort into.  She’s a smart cookie.

So we’re all on the couch on iDevices.  I realize it’s almost 8pm - give them the quick heads-up that they need a bath.  So I go start the bath.  Olivia comes up and joins me - which is cool.  Then Louise follows.  Now the girls don’t generally bathe at the same time.  It seems to be coming a bit more common so I’m not really sure what’s going on there.  Again I am not really rock the boat though - saves me time sitting on the bathroom floor keeping them company.  They also both decided to wash their hair.  Now the funny thing here is that Olivia particularly doesn’t like washing her hair… I normally have to force that issue.  Recently nope - she’s washing her hair every couple of days.  So Louise and Olivia are in the bath.  Now it’s a normal sized bathtub and I should have foreseen something was going to happen.  Parental ESP and all that.

So something did happen.  The bathtub is getting to be a bit too small for two kids to lay side by side.  So the next thing is the argy-bargy, the she touched me, no she touched me, she got water in my face and whammo - Olivia hit Louise.  So Olivia gets hoisted out of the bath given a towel and marching orders to brush her teeth, hair and get straight into bed.  Now for the first time in her life she complained that she hadn’t washed herself… seriously! 

So Olivia has her pajamas on and has brushed her hair and teeth, is in bed and she cops the lecture.  Now we have a couple of golden rules in this house - one is no hitting.  So it’s not a small lecture, it’s not the I’m upset that you hit you sister.  It’s the I’m disappointed in you.  Now I get to a 5 (nearly 6 year old) the gravity of things isn’t quite apparent.  We got there eventually.  The clanger though was when I did the channelling my own parents - the “I thought I was raising you better than this.”

Now ordinarily this probably wouldn’t be so much of a problem.  However the girls share a bathroom that separates their bedrooms so Louise overheard me saying “I thought I was raising you better than this” and she took that to mean that I was raising Olivia better than her.  Cue favoritism drama - so I have one child upset because she’s gotten the lecture and didn’t get a kiss and a hug good night (I’ll come back to this) and the other one is upset because she thinks I favor her sister.

So I have to put that little fire out.  One of the things I really love about the English language is the diversity and breadth of expressions.  There are just so many cute and interesting sayings.  One of the things I dislike about the English language is that you have to try to explain to children who don’t quite have the same understanding of the language you do what these expressions and sayings mean.  So I spent the time explaining to Louise that I was disappointed in Olivia and I thought I was doing my best to raise kids that don’t hit.  So that was sorted out.  

Meanwhile Olivia is having a meltdown in her room because she didn’t get the hug or the kiss.  That was hard for me.  When I was having the talk to Olivia about what punishment she felt was suitable - none really felt that they would lend themselves to the gravity of the offense.  Taking her iPad away for a day is pointless because she still has the TV… so I thought if I just tucked her in and said good night and walked out that would do it.  Now I am not a complete monster - there is one thing that I have always tried do to with Louise and Olivia and that is leave with them a smile or a laugh when they go to bed.  So I went back in and had a quick chat to Olivia and told her that I forgave her and explained that I get angry too, I react to things without thinking them through - it’s human nature, I don’t hit people though.  I tend to say TV words - the really bad ones!  That gave her a bit of a laugh.   I gave her a kiss and a hug, told her I loved her and said good night.

There’s lots of things about parenting that I find hard.  I’ve spoken to people before about the fact that I try to be the perfect parent (which I know isn’t possible).  With situations like this I worry if I have done the right thing.  It was all a bit stressful for me… now in the past I’d unwind with a few drinks (probably a few too many) - these days I unwind by folding laundry and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.  The ultimate outcomes are that my kids know that I love them, the boundaries were enforced and my sanity prevailed.

Louise & Ramune

I have a thing for Japan.  I can tell you the cause for that actually - I fell in love with Robotech when I was a kid and that sparked my interest in Japan.  How you cross over from americanized anime to a general love of Japan I'm not quite sure of but hey - it is what it is!

Louise seems to be developing a similar interest - although I don't know if it's about Japan as such yet.  Obviously being young their interests will be molded by mine and Larry's.  They are interested in comics, cartoons and superheroes which is entirely via me.  Louise and Japan at the moment is purely food based.  When they were younger (about 2 maybe) we went grocery shopping one day and there was a sushi place near the supermarket and I got a couple of handrolls for lunch and Louise wanted to try one - so I gave her some.  There started her love affair with sushi (some would say obsession!).   For my birthday last year - Larry took me and the girls to Ichi Ni in St Kilda which is my favorite Japanese Restaurant (I haven't found one in the DC Metro area yet so I am open to suggestions) - Louise also really loves lemonade.  Our waiter suggested that Louise try Ramune - obsession #2 gets created.  She loves Ramune.

Fast forward a little bit.  We're now in Arlington.  I went grocery shopping one day and I was really surprised to find out that they had Ramune!  It really wasn't something I was expecting to just find at a grocery store.  And of course I just had to get some for Louise.  I have since found out that the Asian grocery store (which is massive) near home has an extensive selection of Ramunes so Louise is really happy with that idea!

Although I will make one observation.  Sushi and handrolls seem to be much more common in Australia than what they do here in the US.  Mind you I am not in downtown areas very much so it could be different there.  I don't really know.

The whole reason for this blog post is that I wanted to explain one of my 365 photos - so this is the explanation.

Not every little boy wants to be Superman when he grows up...

Like a lot of people I have seen this particular image doing the rounds.  I googled what it was about as I was curious and I was actually trying to find the image so I could use it for my own purposes...  It's from Sometimes the Spoon Runs Away with Another Spoon Coloring Book by Jacinta Bunnell and Nathaniel Kusinitz.  So all credit for the image goes to them.

So anyway...
I really liked it and it does resonate with me.  I've always liked Wonder Woman.  That's not to say I wanted to be Wonder Woman.  As a little boy though - I did pretend to be Wonder Woman.  I adored the show (yes I am that old!) and I would do the Wonder Woman spin in my bedroom etc...  She had a bit of a lasting impact really!

I also love that Louise loves Wonder Woman - I get to kind of live vicariously through her.  Although I do have to admit that is my doing - she did see me reading Wonder Woman comics.  Although it was actually Larry that introduced her to the Lynda Carter series - which was before I started reading the New 52 Wonder Woman.

Larry took me to Manhattan in 2007 and he had some work meetings so I got to wander around by myself and I ventured over to Midtown Comics.  I had decided that I wanted to buy a comic from Midtown Comics.  I bought a Wonder Woman trade paperback.  Much to regret it was the Jodi Piccoult arc... I should have grabbed a different one ;)

Anyway just an odd little update from me.

The Nanny Period...

a note to my readers - sorry I have left this blog and our surrogacy story alone for so long.  I really have been a bit slack - I do need to sit down and write this more regularly... so hopefully my slackness will abate for a bit!

Title sounds awful doesn't? ;)

Now I personally had reached a meltdown.  I literally tore myself apart over this.  I had a breakdown - I rang Larry at work and asked him to come home because I couldn't cope.  So we started discussing options, childcare or a nanny.  Now I wasn't ready to go back to work and your Dad has been really gracious about me not working - I will give him full credit for that.  So we ended discussing what would end up working best.  I just needed the ability to get out and do the errands without you two.  So we figured that two days would be best (and it was probably also what we could afford).

So we interviewed a couple of people and I found someone I really quite liked - I just took a while to finally getting around to calling her to tell her that we wanted to hire her.  She was very gracious about it actually - she told me that she understood.  For me it was separating feeling like a failure and actually getting someone to help.  Thankfully Megan was still available to work two days a week for us.  And so there started us having a nanny.

There is probably a lot of people that associate nannies with the wealthy.  I know there are increasing numbers of people who are getting nannies because they can't get places in childcare or it is actually cheaper for them to hire a nanny then have full-time childcare (sorry a bit of a segue).  I did get the reaction a few times that we must be rich to be able to afford a nanny...

So anyway Megan entered our lives.  It took me about a week and a half to able to leave the house for more than an hour... I wasn't really that overprotective!

In a lot of ways Megan was a godsend.  She taught me so much about being a parent and gave me lots of tips and tricks and did also show me where I was doing a few things wrong.  Well not so much wrong but how I could be doing things better...

Probably the main example is that I never set a strict nap routine - I would just let drop where you were when you needed a nap.  Apparently not a good idea as your naps end up being short and I end up being frazzled as part of it.  One of the really important things that Megan taught me was more about myself - I can't be the perfect parent.  I can only be the parent I am.  Noone can be the perfect parent (they don't exist).  All I have to ever do is look at how happy and healthy you are and know that I am doing a good job - or at least the best job I can.

This is also one of my favorite stories involving Megan.  So bathtimes for us were hell.  Sheer absolute hell - noone enjoyed them.  Megan had her doubts that they were that bad... so she decided to give you guys a bath.  I was outside washing your Dad's Vespa as he was selling it.  It honestly sounded like someone was being murdered in the house.  She was shocked!  So anyway she came up with a strategy to help you guys deal with water - we went to the pool - no more horror baths.

Megan has become a very good friend.  She was with us for about 8 months and we had a few comedies.  The horrible Santa photo at Highpoint which I will point out was entirely her idea! HER IDEA!!!! It was shocking but really quite funny.  The photographer was a pain and the Santa was as cranky as all get out and go... and of course two little one year olds didn't want to sit still.

After we stop using Megan as a Nanny she would still babysit and just come around and visit.  She's an amazing friend.

After this started the Montessori and Childcare adventures.  I will get to those in due course.

Sinterklaas vs Santa Claus - cross-culturalism in our household

So Christmas is becoming a topic of discussion in this house.  Quite understandably as there is two five year olds here SO of course they are getting excited... but this is also where it gets kind of interesting.  My heritage is Dutch (and I was born there) so for me it's also about Sint.

Now when we moved here in the early 1980s we had to pretty much assimilate into Australian culture.  Mind you we did also move into an area where there weren't that many Dutch people around.  So suddenly Sint became Christmas (we did have Christmas or Kerstmas in Holland but Sint is the big one) and Santa started bringing us our presents.  Now my brother and I are pretty cluey - I was 8 and he was 10 when we moved here so we kind of figured that Santa wasn't the real deal.  Mum and Dad did try to convince that we now lived too far away for Sinterklaas to deliver our presents and that Santa would deliver them instead.

Let me pause for a second...

Now logically...
Sinterklaas lives somewhere in most likely the Netherlands Antilles and Santa Claus lives in the North Pole.  It's much of a muchness as to who can deliver presents to a couple of Dutch kids in Brisbane, Australia.

So we basically did figure that Santa wasn't real.  We humoured Mum and Dad though until Dad gave up the pretence of Santa (which was pretty much the Christmas after Mum left).  I know it's silly but there is still a little part of me that does believe in Sinterklaas.  As a rational adult I know he's not real but the kid in me still believes in him.

Now for the background for the Sinterklaas vs Santa Claus discussion in this house.  Facebook is wonderful.  So it has allowed me to actually reconnect with some of my cousins in Holland (because we're from the south of the Netherlands we actually refer to is as Holland - because well we're from Holland).  Last year De Ruijter released a coffee chocolate hail and I asked one of my cousins if she would mind sending me some.  My cousin did as well as... (she blew me away to be honest!) a whole bunch of Sint goodies.  One of the things she sent which has been very much appreciated in this house is a Sinterklaas picture book - Louise and Olivia have already been asking me to read it to them.  Which has given me the opportunity to discuss my childhood and Sinterklaas with them.  We're raising cross-cultural kids!  It's funny I had both of them ask me when we were going to get some more Strooigoed (small biscuits with marshmallows).

So because I have been going back over the Sinterklaas thing with them - the topic of Santa Claus came up.  As in why does Sinterklaas only deliver presents to Europe?  Why can't he deliver them here?  Why does Santa have to deliver presents to the rest of the world?  Now these are obviously questions that I don't have answers too but it is kind of fun exploring their wonder behind it all.

I had to stop yesterday though when Louise told me that she didn't believe in Santa.  I was like YIKES! I am not ready for this!!! But I didn't have to worry - she believes in Sinterklaas.  I actually suspect it's an underhanded way to trying to get two lots of presents.  She was amazed when she found that my birthday is the same day as Sint.  YOU GOT TWO LOTS OF PRESENTS!?!?!  So that may actually have something to do with it.

So have you ever had to "come out" as a heterosexual?

Ok
I'm angry...
There's a certain Australian "parenting" website that's run by a woman who used to edit women's magazines here in Australia that decided to report that Sir Michael Parkinson asked Ian Thorpe if he was gay.  Now because she used to edit women's mags they might have thought this was news... for my american readers think national enquirer with dieting tips.

I have a hate/hate relationship with it.  I also do keep trolling it - but I get bored and I need the laughs.

I think it's more that the site tries to bill itself as being inclusive.

So I got my back up.  I was on facebook and saw that a friend had commented on an article that this site had posted about Ian Thorpe being asked by Michael Parkinson if he was gay.  That was pretty much the crux of the "article".

Now that got me to thinking...
If you look at recent history.
Tom Daley had to deal with so many questions around his sexuality... as did Matthew Mitcham...

Now when was the last time someone was asked if they were straight?

Why do people need to keep being asked if they are gay?
Why?

I understand that people feel the need for gay role models.  You know as a society we shouldn't.  We should just accept that people are people.  And it really does come down to why are people who don't fit into the norm are asked why they are "gay" - I don't get it.

I have been an out gay man for 23 years.
I still don't get it.

People are people.
Asking someone if they are gay is rude.
Same as asking someone if they are heterosexual is rude.
It's not something that should be done.

/end rant

So I was taught an important lesson by my kids

I'm a parent to twins.  It's hard.  It's complicated.  It's a struggle to work out the relationships and everything else.

Olivia has been a bit funny for the past couple of weeks and I couldn't work out why.  Larry and I have had discussions in the past about favouritism and the fact that I favour Olivia more over Louise.  Which I tend to - I think it's my protective instinct - Olivia is smaller and has been since birth, and I guess also being the younger sibling myself (I'm not a twin though) I feel for her.  The elder sibling can soak up a lot of attention - which if you've met Louise you'd understand that too!  I think part of it as well is that Olivia is very introverted (like me) but she's always been capable of entertaining herself.

So try to make up the imbalance between time I thought I was spending with Liv and the time I wasn't spending with Louise - I was spending more one-on-one time with Louise.  Unfortunately I wasn't spending much time with Liv one-on-one.

Olivia has developed this habit of tilting her head to one side if she's upset.  Now for the past couple of weeks when I have dropped the girls off at school Olivia has been very withdrawn and doesn't want to move.  None of the educators could draw it out of her and Olivia has said a couple of times that she was "sick" and just wanted to stay home with me.  Which being the awesome parent I am I just ignored (I did the usual checked her temperature etc...).

So yesterday driving home I finally pushed the point and asked her why.  So she actually admitted because I wasn't spending any time with her.  I was shocked.  I had that moment where I went WOAH I have made a mistake as a parent.  I try to do the right thing by one and I stuff up with the other one...

So we talked about it last night and she did say just wants to spend time with me without Louise.  So Olivia and I are having a Michael Daddy and Olivia day on Saturday.  So far it seems to involve Lego, puzzles and watching iPads.

It was funny this morning...
So I got the Lego Simpsons House for the *cough* girls.  Louise doesn't really have that much interest in it so Liv and I have been building it on and off for a little while.  We started on it again last night and we were doing a little bit this morning before I took the girls to Kinder.  Louise dragged Larry into the bedroom because Olivia and I were having some "alone" time.
I am amazed that my kids get it.  We have two very smart little monkeys.
But yes I learnt a lesson.  There's something my GP suggested that she does with her kids (although they are a bit older) is that her and her husband try to spend 20 minutes each day with each child without their siblings around.  Maybe that's something Larry and I need to consider.