Thinking about something in relation to equality (USA vs OZ)

Actually thinking about it now that my own personal giddiness has died down somewhat (hey I'm still happy I get to marry the man I love for real!) and we get the chance to start an entirely new chapter of our lives.

It saddens me though that Australia which is meant to be progressive can't afford people the same level of dignity and respect.  Where is Tony Abbott or (now) Kevin Rudd saying this:

"I applaud the Supreme Court’s decision to strike down the Defense of Marriage Act. This was discrimination enshrined in law. It treated loving, committed gay and lesbian couples as a separate and lesser class of people. The Supreme Court has righted that wrong, and our country is better off for it. We are a people who declared that we are all created equal – and the love we commit to one another must be equal as well."

Whilst I am happy for myself and my family (like for us this really is a big deal), I am actually deeply saddened that unfortunately in Australia - we still have discrimination enshrined in our laws.

Some Dreams Come True

Larry and I have been trying to find a way to get me to the US since we met.  So for nearly 8 years I have been blocked from entering on the sheer basis that we're a same-sex couple.  Now we have tried to find ways around it (me trying to find work in the US, studying in the US etc...).

It's been hard.  Really hard.  Larry loves his country and he wants to go home.  Like a lot of people who are part of a bi-national couple he has has had to choose between the country he loves and his family.  Up until now, he's chosen me.  I would and will go to the end of the Earth for this man - he has for me, so it's the least I can do for him.

So at roughly 2:30am this morning when Olivia decided to climb up into bed with us.  I checked my email and there was an email from the HRC saying that Section 3 of DOMA had been ruled unconstitutional.  I slapped Larry on the rump (he wasn't particularly impressed with that to be honest) to tell him.  We can go to the US finally - after 8 years of trying, hoping and even to the point of almost giving up.

Although there is one minor glitch - we have to get married for real this time...  We had a commitment ceremony in 2008 but I'm not sure if that would be counted.  We can prove our relationship though.  May mean a quickie wedding in New Zealand though.

I'm not sure if the people who have fought for this will see this but honestly from the bottom of my heart thank you so much - this means so much to me and my family.

Hi my name is Michael and I'm an alcoholic...

"It's about being an alcoholic.
It's about me being an alcoholic.
My lips move when I whisper the words out loud. I'm an alcoholic."
Augusten Burroughs - Dry

Probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to say in my life.  Admitting to a (massive) problem is never easy.  It's funny since I've admitted to it - I've had so many people tell me that I am brave and they are so proud of me.  I don't see why.  I have made such a complete and absolute cock-up of my life - I almost lost everything - the man who loves me, my gorgeous children.  I don't feel particularly brave - I feel if anything rather foolish - I let something take control of me...

I guess the other funny thing is when I "came out" as an alcoholic having people tell me that they didn't realise it was that bad.  I'm what's classified as a high-functioning alcoholic;

"A high-functioning alcoholic (HFA) is a form of alcoholism where the alcoholic is able to maintain their outside life such as jobs, academics, relationships, etc. – all while drinking alcoholically."

Now like a lot of HFAs I was in denial about how bad the problem actually was.  My psychiatrist and I had been talking about possible "solutions" for over 6 months and I'd always find an excuse to not do it.  It took an intervention between Larry and my psychiatrist for me to finally admit that yes - I was in a dire situation.  If I didn't fix my drinking that I would lose everything - the man I love, my gorgeous children and eventually my life.  So I checked into detox on Friday the 21st of June.  I was scared, petrified.

It's harrowing releasing just how much control alcohol has actually had over my life.  I have been a drinker pretty much since I was 23 and a heavy drinker since my late 20s.  Also both my parents were alcoholics but mother wasn't around long enough for that to have an impact.  Dad on the other hand - normalised drinking for me - to me it seemed perfectly that people drank from as soon as they got up to when they went to bed.  I did hate when I was growing up but it was also the person I turned into and would have would up as.

So I went into detox for 5 days.
Apparently I was a textbook case.

More posts to follow as this is only the start of my journey and I have to relay the comedy that actually is detox =P

The photo is actually from a 365 photo project I was doing when I originally met Larry and I was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar.

So we bought another MINI =D

It's taken me a while to get around to this... but I was thinking today as I was cleaning the house.  Do you remember when you first got your licence and you would just jump in your car and drive aimlessly for God only knows how long (or for how long the petrol you could afford would allow).

The MINI makes me feel like that :)
I just want to put the top down - get in and drive aimlessly...

For those who don't know.  We've bought a 2005 Mini Cooper S Cabrio.  It is seriously the most fun car we've ever bought!  It's not as hardcore as the Checkmate we used to own and it's also much easier to deal with than the MX5 (and it's far prettier than the MX5).

Owning a MINI again is fun!  People actually talk to you :)

Although I suspect half of them are trying to work out why the tall freak is driving around with the top down in the middle of a Melbourne winter! I've had a couple of people ask me about owning a cabrio, kids tend to smile at you, other MINI owners tend to smile at you!  Although I do think there is that other cabrio owner I drove past on Sunday who laughed at me probably because she thought I was frigging nuts for having the roof down ;)

My Mini Story

So this was fun...
I got an email this morning from the Henry Ford Museum in Michigan asking for my Mini Story.  They had seen one of my Mini photos on flickr and wanted me to share my story.  I had to stop and go ok - yeah that's cool...

The email:
"Hi Michael

Was this your first car. Looks like there may be lots of great stories to tell.

Just came across the photo of your car and would love share the story around it. Did you like/hate it? What were your memorable moments? We’d like to include it in our social conversation as we open our new exhibit “Driving America” in Henry Ford Museum, in Dearborn, Mich. It’s going to be the country's greatest automobile exhibition because we’re looking at cars through the lens of the people who use them. May we share yours? The links are below. You can see what others have done and share your own photo, video and story."

And my story:

I guess technically the Mini wasn't first car (that honor goes to my 1981 Honda Prelude) but it was "our" first car.  It was the first car that I owned with my partner.  It was a 2006 Mini Cooper S Checkmate (a special edition - with decals, upgraded stereo, sports interior and absolutely gorgeous wheels).

I've been obsessed with Minis for years.  When I first heard that BMW was bringing back the Mini - I became a fan!  I was prepared to beg, borrow and steal to get to the launch.  Which I didn't have to - the folks at Brisbane BMW were kind enough to let me attend the launch.  I fell instantly in love with the Mini.

So fast forward 6 years and I'm on a dinner date and I am completely blown away by my (now partner) date.  And to top it off he drove a Mini!!! It was funny I was chatting to a friend about the date the day after and I was all excited because he drove a Mini! That was the first thing I told her - she laughed at me (people tend to do that with me) and then got to the pressing business of all the questions about the actual date etc...

The Mini and I had an interesting relationship.  It was the car I actually learnt to drive a manual/stick in.  Up until that point in my life I had only ever driven automatics - I always meant to learn how to drive a manual but I now had a Mini that I could drive.  So I had to learn how to drive a manual.

There were so many country trips in the Mini - so many good memories of myself and Larry just blasting down the highway singing along to the stereo (I can't hold a tune - I seem to be tone deaf but it doesn't stop me from having fun).

Then there were also the times where I would just jump in the Mini and go for a drive.  We were very fortunate that we lived in a part of country Victoria which has some sensational roads that were just absolutely fantastic to drive the Mini along.  I really miss that - just being able to tune out and feel one with the car and the road.  Having the sunroof open, enjoying the sunshine and listening to the snap and crackle of the engine (or listening to loud music).

As Madonna sings in American Life "I drive my Mini Cooper, and I'm feeling super-dooper" - having owned a Mini I can completely relate to that.  It's the first car that I've ever owned where you would be constantly smiling.  I think they have that effect - they are so much fun to drive and they also make people smile.  There were so many times where we would get people stopping to talk to us about the car.  Generally older folks who remember  the original Mini Cooper.  I also used to love seeing kids with smiles on their faces when they saw the Mini or getting the thumbs up from them as we'd be going down the highway or the road.

Unfortunately when we moved back into the city we had to part ways with the Mini.  We couldn't really justify having two cars in the inner-city.  So after 5 years of trouble free ownership we parted company.  

I still live in hope of being able to get another Mini - we were looking at a Mini Countryman but I am trying to convince my partner that we really need a Mini Roadster.  We'll see how that goes though!

Yesterday was Dad's Birthday

My father passed away last year.  I think there's a blog post about it somewhere.  Anyway I realised yesterday that I actually miss my Dad - it seems weird considering at times my relationship with him wasn't the best (nowhere near as bad as the relationship with my mother though!).  So I thought I'd get a little bit introspective and do a post about my Dad...


I have regrets - I have always tried to live my life with no regrets but I do have a few regrets in terms of my relationship with Dad.  I should have tried harder - I really should.  I think for most of my adult life I only ever spoke to Dad on father's day, his birthday and Christmas.  The rest of the year I pretty much ignored him.  Dad was a good man, he was, but he had a very large drinking problem which is partly what caused the estrangement between us.  That and in some screwed up way I always thought I was never as good as my brother in his eyes.  All I ever really wanted Dad to say was that he was proud of me - which a friend of his told us that at his funeral that Dad was incredibly proud of both us and would constantly talk about how well we were doing and so on (I suspect this applied more to my brother as Dad didn't have that many details of what I was up to...).


My relationship with Dad really did go sour because of his drinking.  The man was a heavy alcoholic from the age of 16 and I suspect that I have my own issues with alcohol due to that.  I don't know but I'm not going to blame him for it.  My father meant no harm ever.  He was a good soul but I think he was lost.  He tried to do the best by everyone around him and that's what once in a while went pear-shaped.  He was used and abused basically - people took advantage of his good nature and it was really sad to see it happen time and time again.  Old dogs, new tricks...


The bad:
- getting phone-calls from whichever bar Dad was at to come pick him up.
- getting into a fight with him at the bar I worked at because I was cutting him off.
- Dad not remembering who I was after he had a rather nasty fall and ended up in Hospital.  He was stuck a couple of years in the past, Edwin and I went to visit him and he absolutely no idea of who was (I had lost a considerable amount of weight by this point).  That was heart-breaking for me (and I did hold it against him).
- ringing Dad for fathers day or his birthday after a massive weekend and blacking out due to lack of sleep and he was still on the other end of the phone talking like nothing had happened (this I am actually ashamed of!).
- Some of the general things of living with an alcoholic... I won't go into details but they tend not to be pleasant.


The good:
- One of the fondest memories I have of Dad is bringing me a cup of coffee every morning when I woke up (I started drinking coffee at 14).
- I came out to Dad when I was 19.  I was so worked up and stressed over it.  Dad looked at me and quite simply said "as long as you are happy" - I was stunned and a bit surprised that it was that simple.  
- Dad buying me my first car and encouraging my interest in it.  I still don't know my way around the engine of a car but I can make a car look pretty ;)
- Dad's generosity - he was quite simply the most generous and genuine man I think I've ever met.
- Dad actively encouraged my interests - including cooking.  He hated me being in the kitchen though as the kitchen normally turned into a massive mess! But he was generally kind enough to clean up after me.
- Dad allowing me to hold my High School Formal after-party at home.  Almost 100 drunken teenagers!  The man deserved a medal for that one!  And we only had the police come past once.


The regrets:
- Not seeing Dad before he died.  I moved down to Melbourne in 2003 and I didn't go back to Brisbane until Dad's funeral last year.
- That Dad didn't get to meet the girls.  I tried explaining to Dad that Larry and I were starting a family (or attempting to at that stage).  And it's the only time Dad ever hung up on me with a very curt "I have to go."
- Dad not being there at our Wedding (but there was a very good reason for that too!).  If Dad would have been a bit more healthy mentally then it wouldn't have been a problem - but I'm not sure if Dad could have handled the concept of his youngest son getting married to another man.


My father in a lot of ways was a very admirable man and I do have a lot of respect for him.  He was born in 1940 during the War and in a lot of ways he was your typical European male.  Didn't show much affection to his kids (he loved us deeply though - I think Edwin and I both knew that).  I don't think he was ever expecting that he would be raising two children by himself.  Virtually unheard of in the 1980s.  But I think he did ok.  I'm not a complete screw-up... I've done ok for myself.  I've got a good education, stayed out of prison, I have a stable relationship and I have two amazing children.  I wouldn't be the person I am without my father.  I may not have always liked him but I do love him.  I have a much deeper respect for him now that I am a parent myself - I understand more of where he was coming from and the sacrifices he made.  


It's also funny a flickr contact of mine a couple of months ago posted a self-portrait of himself in the mirror and asked who do you see when you look in the mirror.  I see my father... as I have gotten older I look more and more like my Dad.  Not completely obviously as there were two people involved in making me.  But the resemblance is there.  Once upon a time I used to think I took more after my mother in terms of my looks but that was based purely on memory.  I can now see how people think I look like Dad...


I do love him and I do miss him.  And I do only hope that I can be as a good a person as he was.

so we moved back to the city...

Ok getting back on track with all this....


Your father found a job - huzzah!!!! Took a lot of financial pressure of... A LOT! But it added a whole series of new pressures.  To get to work he'd be getting up at 6am to try to get out the door at 7 to catch a train at 7:30 from Woodend.  I'd then be keeping you guys up until around 7:30 so he could spend 10 minutes with you before I put you to bed.  This was actually hard on both of us.  Your father didn't get to see you.  And I felt more and more isolated and alone.  So I felt particularly stressed... as did he.  And I was a fair monster to be around during this period too (I will admit to that...).


So unbeknownst to me... your father had seen a house and went had a look at it.  And then suggested that on Boxing Day 2009 that we all go look at it as "something to do" so we came had a look and I will be honest I fell in love with the house.  There was a rather large stumbling block.  It was pricey... (still is!) so we would become quite familiar with the term mortgage stress - which we have.  We weren't sure if we could afford it, we weren't sure if we could get a mortgage but we put in an offer all the same - 10 month settlement, rent-back for the 10 months.  And surprisingly the vendor accepted!  We had a new house, in a location that we loved and a brand-spanking new townhouse.  Next part was selling the other two houses and moving back into the city.


So on March 19, 2010 we moved back to South Melbourne.  Well we did... it's your first house in the area.  It's funny going from a town of under 1000 people back to the inner-city I instantly felt more comfortable.  Anonymity has a lot going for it.  I think it's much easier to be someone faceless in a larger population.  In part and as friendly as the folks in Trentham are - I did feel a little bit like a freakshow.  Here it's not that much of a problem, we're much more readily accepted, people generally don't blink at two men with kids.


Also it suddenly became easier for friends to drop around and visit.  Granted we're just around the corner for most of them now, than being a 3 hour round trip.  So that did and has had made life much more comfortable.  Although the flip-side of that now is that we've made it much harder for our dear friends Chris & Ian to visit us - they now face a 3 hour return trip (as do we when we go visit them!). 


I miss the garden at times though and I know your father does too.  But we've discussed that as well.  This was a decision we made (not particularly lightly) for our family.  It's easier having one property at the moment rather than having two and the expense of two.  And at this stage in your lives we can't ferry you up and back every weekend and then spend the whole weekend in the garden.  That's not fair on you! 


I also find that raising kids in the city is generally a bit easier.  There's more things to do.  Swimming lessons (a bit of a failure), gymbaroo (the woman who ran it was an absolute nutjob), there's your music classes that you, me and your father absolutely adore.  Everything is so much more convenient.  I suspect as you get a bit bigger we'll miss having a backyard for you guys to run around in though.  But we'll cross that bridge when we get to it - on the plus side there's a few parks you can and do terrorise.


It's also funny the sale of the houses in Trentham and Port Melbourne were relatively stress-free for me.  Every other time your father and I have sold a house, I've been a right emotional wreck... not sure why.  But this time around it was actually very easy and it was all done with perfect ease for me - I even took control of most of it (which is quite unusual for me!).  And in a slight brag moment I had a couple of my photos used for the marketing of the property in Trentham, it was one of those moments where I felt like a real photographer (they are few and far between these days).


For the most part we settled back into city living very easily.  Everything was suddenly (again) so convenient.  We could walk to the supermarket - rather than having to drive 20 minutes... we didn't need to jump into the car to go everywhere!  It was brilliant and something I really quite honestly missed.


As a parent I still had my ups and downs and I was still struggling with dealing with two infants and my own issues.  We had a couple of scary moments which were mostly resolved by getting a nanny in to help me for two days a week (I'll touch on that in my next blog post).


I do miss the country.  I miss the peace and quiet.  I miss the beautiful surroundings.  I miss the fantastic roads I used to take the Mini out on (there's some absolutely brilliant roads between Trentham, Kyneton  & Daylesford).  But I do think we made the best decision.  We're happy here - it's a beautiful house, we've got good neighbours.  There's a bit of a sense of community - which is always wonderful.


A note on the photo - this is a photo I took last year at the front of the house.  The developer planted a variety of Jacaranda in two of the townhouses and as I was doing a 365 project at the time... this is what I came up with for that particular day.  It's probably the best macro photo I have ever taken.